So what I didn't say in the last post about the horrid driving test was that this was with being back on medication. (Imagine if I hadn't! How crazy would that test have been?)
After a lot of thinking and assessing and checking in with other people, I decided that whilst I was coping reasonably ok, I wasn't coping as well with every day things as I could and it was impacting on the people I loved. So I went back onto a low dose of sertraline.
At the same time I went back on the contraceptive pill.
Not primarily for contraceptive purposes though. Despite having my period return when Abby was just 9 months old, it wasn't until recently that it started getting crazy again. It went from tolerable to so heavy I had fainting spells. After three months (I had to make sure it wasn't just a bad month) of horrible, irregular periods I decided to go back on the pill - I've used it previously to help regulate them and it works a treat for me.
The only sucky side effect of both of these things is that I very promptly blew up like a balloon.
While I'm quite comfortable in my own skin and genuinely don't feel that I look awful, I am not comfortable with the prospect of having to buy new clothes. I quite like the clothes I already have and I just want to be able to fit into them a bit better. And I'm a cheap bastard, so it seems ridiculous to have to spend money on clothes just because I've put on a little weight.
This probably wasn't helped by our holiday to Rarotonga. Despite swimming every day, and sweating buckets in the crazy heat I'm pretty sure I gained at least half of this weight over there. Holiday mode + being the home of my favorite dessert (poke) - which no-one else in my family likes - meant much poke was consumed (among other things...).
I have actually only gained about 3kg over the last two months, but it's just enough to tip the balance between me feeling ok about my size and not. Before the weight gain I was already not feeling that great about myself, but because of breastfeeding and not sleeping I felt like my weight was not really a priority, and something to look at when other areas of my life were more stable.
But now I am almost the heaviest I've ever been (besides during and immediately post pregnancy) and it feels uncomfortable. I am not used to the way my thighs move against each other, and how I can't wear the tops I used to without thinking about my back fat. 3kg is not much, but when you are a shortie like me, it's proportionately more than for a regular person.
But neither is 65kg. So it's time to do something about it.
So this week I'm going on a cleanse for three days. Then returning to much cleaner eating.
Pregnancy hormones had one positive for me: they made it easier for my body to digest stuff. And whilst Abby is still having night feeds, most of those magic hormone things have gone, and it's time to acknowledge that my body doesn't want to process a lot of those things any more. So it's goodbye to red meat** and back to a low gluten and low lactose diet for me.
I am not going to calorie count (like I have previously) and I'm not going to stop enjoying our weekly takeaway night (not cooking!), or my once a week food court work lunch. And I'm not going to stop my Thursday late night tradition of lollies at work (to share - because late nights are hard). But I am going to be more selective about what and how much I eat.
So this morning I started with this:
acidophilus yoghurt, kiwifruit and almonds. It was delicious!
But now I'm hungry... And it's only been 3 hours... And I also had a banana... And it's still 2 hours until lunch time! So wish me luck. It's an especially hard day because Abby was up from 10.30pm until just after 1am then had to sleep in bed with me so I'm totally knackered. Mumming + diet = extra hard cos no coffee... So wish me even more luck!
*And when my boobs bottom out below a C cup I feel like something is seriously wrong with me (cos I have almost always been at least a D cup. So I'm used to my cups runningeth over)
** Not like I was eating much, but the stuff I was eating was definitely not good for me and not worth eating big, labour intensive to farm animals over.
After a lot of thinking and assessing and checking in with other people, I decided that whilst I was coping reasonably ok, I wasn't coping as well with every day things as I could and it was impacting on the people I loved. So I went back onto a low dose of sertraline.
At the same time I went back on the contraceptive pill.
Not primarily for contraceptive purposes though. Despite having my period return when Abby was just 9 months old, it wasn't until recently that it started getting crazy again. It went from tolerable to so heavy I had fainting spells. After three months (I had to make sure it wasn't just a bad month) of horrible, irregular periods I decided to go back on the pill - I've used it previously to help regulate them and it works a treat for me.
The only sucky side effect of both of these things is that I very promptly blew up like a balloon.
While I'm quite comfortable in my own skin and genuinely don't feel that I look awful, I am not comfortable with the prospect of having to buy new clothes. I quite like the clothes I already have and I just want to be able to fit into them a bit better. And I'm a cheap bastard, so it seems ridiculous to have to spend money on clothes just because I've put on a little weight.
I have actually only gained about 3kg over the last two months, but it's just enough to tip the balance between me feeling ok about my size and not. Before the weight gain I was already not feeling that great about myself, but because of breastfeeding and not sleeping I felt like my weight was not really a priority, and something to look at when other areas of my life were more stable.
But now I am almost the heaviest I've ever been (besides during and immediately post pregnancy) and it feels uncomfortable. I am not used to the way my thighs move against each other, and how I can't wear the tops I used to without thinking about my back fat. 3kg is not much, but when you are a shortie like me, it's proportionately more than for a regular person.
So now I'm sitting about 5kg above what is considered the top of 'healthy BMI' range for my height. Now whilst I think BMI is a pretty shitty measure of 'health' there is a weight bracket I feel comfortable in - and that is around the 57 - 60kg mark. I have dropped my weight right down under 50kg before. And whilst many short celebrities happily rock those teeny numbers (Vanessa Hudgens who is my height is 50kg, Salma Hayek is 54kg), from experience I know that being little just ain't my bag. My immunity goes AWOL which to me indicates it's not a healthy weight for me*.
But neither is 65kg. So it's time to do something about it.
So this week I'm going on a cleanse for three days. Then returning to much cleaner eating.
Pregnancy hormones had one positive for me: they made it easier for my body to digest stuff. And whilst Abby is still having night feeds, most of those magic hormone things have gone, and it's time to acknowledge that my body doesn't want to process a lot of those things any more. So it's goodbye to red meat** and back to a low gluten and low lactose diet for me.
I am not going to calorie count (like I have previously) and I'm not going to stop enjoying our weekly takeaway night (not cooking!), or my once a week food court work lunch. And I'm not going to stop my Thursday late night tradition of lollies at work (to share - because late nights are hard). But I am going to be more selective about what and how much I eat.
So this morning I started with this:
acidophilus yoghurt, kiwifruit and almonds. It was delicious!
But now I'm hungry... And it's only been 3 hours... And I also had a banana... And it's still 2 hours until lunch time! So wish me luck. It's an especially hard day because Abby was up from 10.30pm until just after 1am then had to sleep in bed with me so I'm totally knackered. Mumming + diet = extra hard cos no coffee... So wish me even more luck!
*And when my boobs bottom out below a C cup I feel like something is seriously wrong with me (cos I have almost always been at least a D cup. So I'm used to my cups runningeth over)
** Not like I was eating much, but the stuff I was eating was definitely not good for me and not worth eating big, labour intensive to farm animals over.
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